Marriage is a really bad idea.
I can’t recommend it.
If you think you’ve found happiness in him,
that he will make you happy? Think again.
Marriage is a really, really bad idea
unless you get that it’s not about you.
It’s about him.
It’s about making his life better than it would be without you.
If you can stand in that,
you will be known, witnessed and obeyed.
Not in servitude.
In alignment.
If you are willing to regulate his nervous system,
he will regulate yours.
He will give you rest.
He will give you power.
He will give you everything.
If you give him harbour,
he will be your shelter.
If you fuel and launch him,
he will orbit you.
The body already knows what science later confirmed.
Two nervous systems regulate each other through breath, touch, tone, and gaze.
When one steadies, the other follows.
We already didn't break up.
We stayed when it was easier to flee.
We stayed through resentment and return.
We stayed through nervous systems that refused to let go.
We stayed through commitment to locate each other again and again.
Today is our wedding anniversary.
Happy anniversary, BB.
References
Attachment research and polyvagal theory describe what couples experience:
safety returns when one partner holds still enough for the other to find rhythm again.
When she regulates him, his body produces dopamine and testosterone: focus, action, direction.
When he regulates her, her body releases oxytocin: trust, ease, surrender.
The loop closes. Polarity restores.
• Schore, A. (1994). Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self.
• Coan, J. A. (2016). Social Baseline Theory. Psychological Inquiry.
• Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation.